


A Lover’s Lie

by Maluminspace



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Emo, Ending a Relationship, Falling Out of Love, Gay, Heartbreak, Lost Love, M/M, Mashton, Sexual Content, Sexual Refrences, Strong Language, Unrequited Love, basically this is painful and I am so sorry, brief sexual refrences, cheater!ashton, gay breakup, heartbroken!michael, non graphic sexual content, platonic malum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 18:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19817713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maluminspace/pseuds/Maluminspace
Summary: It all still feels incredibly surreal and Ashton’s acting purely on autopilot as he crosses into the bathroom to grab the rest of his toiletries. Weirdly, it’s the very moment that Ashton picks up his toothbrush and shoves it into the clear wash bag on the glass shelf next to the sink, that he almost loses his resolution. There’s something immensely poignant and melancholy about leaving just one toothbrush in the little glittery black post Michael had insisted they buy, back when Ashton had first moved in.He’s not sure how long he stands in the bathroom convincing himself that he’s doing the right thing but when Ashton finally returns to the bedroom with his wash bag full of toiletries, Michael is standing there in the doorway, his eyes red and puffy, his face pale. He’s taken Ashton’s hoody off, leaving him in just a plain white t-shirt and his sweats. He looks even more vulnerable now, exposed and raw in a way that Ashton has never seen him before.





	A Lover’s Lie

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve been meaning to write a fic for this song for a while and I was finally in a dark enough mood to do it justice.
> 
> Please don’t hate me, it’s literally painful from the get-go so please read at your own risk.
> 
> Based on ‘Ruin’ by Marina and the Diamonds.
> 
> Trigger warnings for; breakup, painful breakup, cheating, unrequited love and strong language.

It looks as though it’s going to be a beautiful day, weather-wise. There doesn’t seem to be a cloud in the sky as the early morning sun creeps above the towering buildings surrounding the apartment Ashton’s called home for the past year. 

As much as he usually loves the summery weather, it feels as though some higher power is mocking him today. It feels as though a heavy rain shower or even a violent thunderstorm would suit Ashton’s mood far better. After all, his plan for the day is to break his boyfriend’s heart... That’s about as dark and stormy as it gets as far as Ashton’s concerned.

He drops the spoon he’d be holding into the nearly full cereal bowl sitting on the breakfast bar in front of him, unable to force down any more food when his insides are squirming so uncomfortably. 

The apartment is silent save for the steady beating of shower water coming from the bathroom. For a brief moment, Ashton imagines Michael standing beneath the steamy stream of water, his pale skin shimmering beneath the thousands of little droplets, his head thrown back as he rubs his favourite minty shampoo through his blonde locks. That sort of image used to send Ashton crazy, it no longer conjures up the lust that it used to, though. Yet another reason why he knows he’s doing the right thing. 

Despite being sure that this is all for the best, Ashton’s heart still aches in his chest. It feels like a heavy weight is pressing down on him and he knows it won’t be lifted until he’s worked up the courage to have _the_ talk with Michael. He’s dreading it though, knowing that he’s about to tear Michael’s world apart.

His mobile phone’s message tone breaks the near silence, pulling his attention back to the room. Ashton reaches for it knowing before he even sees the name displayed on the screen that it’ll be one of the other men he’s been messaging recently. The fact that he hasn’t _physically_ cheated gives him very little comfort. The increasingly risqué texts and photos he’s been exchanging with people other than the man he’s supposed to be committed to, still feels like a big enough betrayal. 

The most recent message is from a guy that Ashton had been contacting through a seedy hook-up app. It’s a mirror selfie of the guy in question, his face isn’t visible, his bare arse is the main focus instead.

Ashton knows he’s a fucking disgraceful human being. Michael’s done nothing to deserve this, he’s only ever shown Ashton the kind of love and companionship the the older man hadn’t even knew existed before they met. 

“Morning, gorgeous.” Michael yawns, padding across the room towards the kitchenette that Ashton’s currently sat in.

The older man hastily shoves his phone into the pocket of his black skinny jeans. He glances up just in time notice a flicker of suspicion cross Michael’s pretty face before he turns away to open the fridge.

“Morning...” Ashton replies sheepishly. “I made you a coffee.” He gestures vaguely towards the countertop where the cooling mug is sitting.

“Thanks.” Michael smiles, rubbing his still tired eyes with the back of one hand. He looks so soft like this, his damp blonde hair clinging to his face as the too/long sleeves of Ashton’s black hoodie slip down over the younger man’s small hands. “Did you have breakfast already?” He asks, shooting Ashton’s cereal bowl an almost reproachful glance. “I was gonna suggest going to the café we love, we haven’t done that for a while, have we?”

This is going to be much harder than Ashton had ever anticipated, the dread building his chest growing more suffocating with every passing second as a voice in the back of his mind screams at him to reconsider. “Actually...” He chokes out, meeting Michael’s gaze with great difficulty. “I think we need to talk, Mike.”

Something akin to fear creeps into Michael’s beautiful green eyes. He tries to hide it behind what’s clearly meant to be a curious smile. “What about, babe?”

The fond pet name proves to be Ashton’s breaking point. It doesn’t make him feel loved anymore, it just makes him feel trapped. “Can we go and sit down?” The older man asks shakily, jerking his head towards the threadbare sofa near the window as he runs his fingers through his dyed red curls uneasily.

Michael nods, his eyes becoming glassy with unshed tears already, as though he knows something terrible is about to happen. He shuffles uneasily into the main living area, placing his mug down on the coffee table en-route. 

Ashton follows, trying his hardest to keep his breathing steady as he drops into the seat next to Michael on the sofa. He can’t quite bring himself to look Michael in the eye now that they’re in such close proximity to each other, so he fixes his gaze on the younger man’s pale fingers instead.

“Ash...” Michael breathes quietly, his tone unsure and apprehensive. “I know something’s wrong, it has been for a while, hasn’t it?” He asks, twisting his fingers nervously in the sleeves of Ashton’s hoodie. 

Still lacking the courage to meet Michael’s gaze, the older man nods in agreement. “I’ve tried to ignore it.” He says, his tone sadder than he’d intended. “But I can’t anymore, Mike... I’m so sorry.”

Michael reaches out, tentatively wrapping his fingers around Ashton’s lower arm. “You can tell me, Ash.” He whispers gently. “I’m always here for you.”

The caring words and warm tone of Michael’s voice cause the first tears to fall from Ashton’s eyes. He wishes more than anything that he can fight the feelings that had rooted themselves deep within him. He doesn’t want to hurt Michael’s feelings at all, but it’s inevitable now. “I’m leaving, Michael.” He sobs, the lump in his throat preventing him from speaking above a whisper.

The younger man recoils, a hurt, albeit not altogether surprised, gasp escaping him as he curls in on himself. “Why, Ash?” his tone is heavy with a heartbreaking mixture of pain and pleading. 

Finally summoning the courage to look up, Ashton meets his boyfriend’s eyes tentatively. The sadness that greets him knocks the remaining air out of the older man’s lungs and all he can manage is a weak shrug. 

After a long moment of strained silence, during which Ashton tries and fails to string together a response in his mind, Michael seemingly looses his patience. “I think I deserve a bit more of an explanation than a half-hearted shrug.” He sniffles, his body trembling a little with the surge of emotion he’s undoubtedly experiencing.

“I... I just can’t...” Ashton gasps, struggling to contain his emotions now that he’d opened the floodgates. He tries to tear his eyes away from Michael’s but it’s seemingly impossible. It’s almost as though this his punishment, locked in this heartbreaking gaze with this perfect man, the man who’s about to fall apart because Ashton can’t fucking commit to him.

“Is it me?” Michael questions, more tears flowing down his rapidity paling cheeks. “Did I do something wrong?”

Ashton shakes his head, covering Michael’s trembling fingers with his own. “Of course not, Michael.” He replies breathlessly. “It’s not because of anything you’ve done.” 

Michael snatches his hands away, shrinking away from Ashton’s touch like it had caused him physical pain. “Then why?” He asks again, his voice a little more commanding now, maybe even a tiny bit angry too. “Are you fucking someone else?”

The guilt that had been bubbling inside of Ashton for weeks now, floods out in the form of a choked sob. 

“You are, aren’t you?” Michael cries, wiping angrily at the tears staining his cheeks with the sleeve of Ashton’s hooded sweater. “How long has it been going on for?” There’s definitely more than a hint of anger there now and Ashton can’t blame him.

“I haven’t fucked anyone else.” The redhead promises, keeping his voice as level as possible. “I haven’t even kissed anyone else...”

Michael shakes his head disbelievingly. “I didn’t want to believe that all of the extra time you’ve been spending on your phone was because you were cheating.” He explains quietly. “But part of me knew it. I fucking _knew_ it...”

It seems stupid to deny it now, really. Ashton knows that exchanging sexual messages with other people is undoubtedly a form cheating. Jerking off over nudes he’d been sent is hardly better than actually fucking the person that sent them. This knowledge had forced him to accept that he’s not ready to settle down. Ashton misses the freedom he had before moving in with Michael, he misses the excitement of drunken nights out when he didn’t know where he’d end up or who he’d wake up next to the following morning. After months of feeling this way, he’d finally had to admit to himself that he missed those times more than he loves his life with Michael.

“Are they better than me?” Michael demands shakily. “Is that what all this about? Am I not a good enough fuck, anymore?”

“I haven’t slept with anyone else, Mike.” Ashton insists. “I’ve just realised that I want to...” The words escape the older man unintentionally in an exasperated sigh.

A pained whimper slips out of Michael as he wraps his arms around himself, fresh tears streaming down his chalk-white cheeks. “You’ve _just_ realised that you want to fuck other people?” He sobs, his voice barely audible beneath the raw emotion spilling from him. “Are you fucking serious, Ashton?” 

The older man has never really hated himself more than he does right now. He’s never had to break someone’s heart like this and he hopes he never has to again. “I’m so sorry Michael.” He whispers. “It’s not fair on either of us if I stay though... Not when I can’t a hundred percent commit to you.”

Ashton expects Michael to get angry, in fact he kind of wants him to. The blonde doesn’t seem to have it in him though, or perhaps it’s just buried far beneath his utter despair. “Then why can’t you?” He asks, the whites of his eyes are tinged pink with how much he’s crying and his whole body is trembling worse than ever. “Why am I not enough for you?”

Ashton doesn’t have the answer to that. Michael would be most people’s ideal man. He's beautiful, kind, loving, funny and probably the best fuck Ashton’s ever had. It’s wrong for the redhead to take that a challenge rather than a blessing but that’s just how he feels. Reminding himself that he’s doing the right thing for both of them, Ashton reaches out to stroke Michael’s arm gently. “Maybe I’m not the ‘settling down’ type.” He shrugs pathetically.

What’s clearly meant to be a scoff tears out of Michael amongst the flood of emotion. “That’s a fucking shit excuse!” He sobs, yanking his arm out of Ashton’s loose hold. “If you loved me the way I love you, nothing else would matter! You wouldn’t _want_ anyone else.”

Ashton nods guiltily. “I know... I don’t have any answers for you though, Mikey.” He replies, struggling to keep his voice even. “I can’t explain how you can mean everything to me but there still be a part of me that wants to be single again.”

Michael covers his face with his hands, the sleeves of Ashton’s hoodie still hiding the majority of them as the blonde presses the soft fabric to his face. “There’s nothing I can do to convince you to stay is there?” He mumbles, his shoulders shaking with sobs.

“No.” Ashton replies simply dropping his gaze. “I wish I wanted to, though.” He hadn’t realised how utterly devastating his words are until they’ve already left his mouth, leaving behind a guilt that’s almost too much to cope with.

“Then go.” Michael whispers, the pain his voice breaking Ashton’s heart into two. “If you’d don’t want me anymore and I can’t change your mind, just leave.”

Knowing that he’ll lose his nerve if he doesn’t act now. Ashton stands up, his knees threatening to buckle beneath him as they struggle to hold his weight. He stumbles to the bedroom on autopilot, fighting against the part of him that wants to take the easy route, the part that wants him to continue to live the lover’s lie he’s been trapped in for months. 

Michael’s heartbroken sobs follow him as he grabs his suitcase from the top of the wardrobe. The plain black case still has the airport stickers on it from the time he’d surprised Michael with a last minute trip to Paris. The memory of that perfect weekend rubs salt into Ashton’s gaping wounds and he tries to push them out of his mind as he grabs the first few items of his clothing from the wardrobe. 

Determined not to drag this out for longer than absolutely necessary, Ashton piles a few of his basic outfits into the suitcase before crossing the room to empty his underwear drawer. As he passes the open bedroom door he notices that Michael hasn’t moved, he’s still curled up on the sofa, his face hidden behind his hands.

As much as Ashton wants to leave, to begin his healing process, he knows he can’t leave Michael alone. As his last act of affection for the man who’d taught him how to love, Ashton pulls his mobile from his pocket and calls Calum’s number. Calum had been Michael’s best friend since they were little kids and Ashton has no doubt that he’ll take care of the heartbroken man, help him to heal and when the time is right, help him to find someone who truly deserves his love the way that Ashton never has.

Calum picks up after the fifth ring, his voice deep and groggy as though Ashton’s call us woken him up. “Ash, what’s up, mate?” He asks, obviously stifling a yawn.

“Would you able to come over to stay with Mike today, please?” Ashton asks, trying his hardest to keep his emotion out of his voice. 

“Why? What’s wrong?” Calum asks, his tone much more urgent, perhaps even a little scared. 

“I’ll let him explain when you get here but please don’t be long, I don’t want to leave him alone.” The redhead explains before hanging up. He doesn’t have the strength to tell Calum what’s happened, besides, he’s Michael’s best friend and Michael’s side of the story is going to be the only one Calum’s interested in.

He’s not sure whether Michael heard him on the phone or not but even if he did, he’s still crying to hard to acknowledge it.

After piling his underwear and socks into the suitcase, Ashton grabs a couple of bottles of deodorant and aftershave from the dresser, dropping them carelessly into the mesh pocket sewn into the lid of the case. 

It all still feels incredibly surreal and Ashton’s acting purely on autopilot as he crosses into the bathroom to grab the rest of his toiletries. Weirdly, it’s the very moment that Ashton picks up his toothbrush and shoves it into the clear wash bag on the glass shelf next to the sink, that he almost loses his resolution. There’s something immensely poignant and melancholy about leaving just one toothbrush in the little glittery black post Michael had insisted they buy, back when Ashton had first moved in.

He’s not sure how long he stands in the bathroom convincing himself that he’s doing the right thing but when Ashton finally returns to the bedroom with his wash bag full of toiletries, Michael is standing there in the doorway, his eyes red and puffy, his face pale. He’s taken Ashton’s hoody off, leaving him in just a plain white t-shirt and his sweats. He looks even more vulnerable now, exposed and raw in a way that Ashton has never seen him before. 

The discarded hooded sweater is now draped carelessly over the top of his packed case and it causes yet another crack in Ashton’s fragile heart. “I’d have loved you forever, Ashton.” Michael whispers, his voice sounding too exhausted to be angry or upset anymore before he returns to the sofa, curling up into a ball, his back to the bedroom.

Despite Michael’s devastating words, Ashton forces himself to continue working down his mental checklist. He packs his toiletries bag and zips up the mesh pocket before removing the hoodie that Michael had left on top of the neatly folded clothes. The redhead hasn’t worn that hoodie in a long time, Michael had claimed it the morning after they’d first slept together and Ashton had pretty much let him keep it since then. He has no desire to reclaim it now, it’ll only be a painful reminder of a love that he’ll likely never replace. He folds the garment carefully and leaves it on Michael’s pillow, if the younger man doesn’t want to keep it, at least he’ll have something of Ashton’s to burn should he feel he needs that kind of closure.

Once his suitcase is zipped up Ashton takes one last glance around the bedroom, it’s strange to think he won’t be sleeping here from now on, but it makes him feel oddly hopeful as he turns his back on it and closes the door.

Michael’s still curled up on the sofa, his shoulders trembling weakly, he’s silent now though, apparently unable to cry anymore.

Unwilling to leave Michael alone, Ashton slowly gathers up a few of his other belongings, some books and his expensive camera amongst other stuff he doesn’t want to leave behind.

Luckily there’s a knock at the door just as Ashton packs the last book into his backpack. Michael tenses but doesn’t give any other sign that he cares who’s at the door.

Ashton crosses the room and opens the front door, Calum bursts through the gap, immediately searching Ashton’s face for answers to his unspoken questions. His chocolate brown eyes are filled with concern and his breathing his laboured as though he’d ran here.

Still feeling unable to explain everything to Calum, the redhead simply gestures towards Michael before grabbing his bags and making his way towards the door. He hears Calum ask Michael what happened and glances over to the sofa just in time to see Calum coax the blonde into a comforting hug. Ashton’s faintly pleased that Michael’s not going to be alone but he thinks it’ll take a while for them both to heal from this. 

It’s with that painful knowledge that Ashton closes the front door, leaving behind the man, the home and the life that he’d loved for probably the best year of his life. It’s time to move on now though, he still has a life to live and only time will tell whether it’ll be worth the wreckage he’s left behind.

**Author's Note:**

> If you don’t hate me, please leave comments and kudos as I’m very nervous about posting this!


End file.
